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Episode 1 ñ season 1 THE ONE WHERE MONICA GETS A NEW ROOMMATE (THE PILOT)
(SCENE 1: CENTRAL PERK. ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL AND ROSS) Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with! Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him! Chandler: So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece? Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk? (THE OTHERS STARE, BEMUSED) Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh! Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex. Chandler: Sounds like a date to me. (CUT TO SAME SET) Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realise I am totally naked. All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream. Chandler: Then I look down, and I realise there's a phone... there. Joey: Instead of...? Chandler: That's right. Joey: Never had that dream. Phoebe: No. Chandler: all of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. And it turns out it's my mother, which is very weird, because- she never calls me! (CUT TO SAME SET. ROSS HAS NOW ENTERED) Ross: (MORTIFIED) Hi.
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself. Monica: Are you okay, sweetie? Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulledit out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...
Chandler: Cookie? Monica: (EXPLAINING TO THE OTHERS) Carol moved her stuff out today. (TO ROSS) Let me get you some coffee. Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (STARTS TO PLUCK AT THE AIR JUST IN FRONT OF ROSS) Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay? I'll be fine,alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No you don't. Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me! Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian... Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know? Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (THE OTHERS STARE AT HIM) Did I say that out loud? Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is? (ROSS GESTURES HIS CONSENT) Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones! Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again! (ENTER RACHEL IN A WET WEDDING DRESS. SHE STARTS TO SEARCH AROUND THE ROOM) Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (EXTENDS HIS HAND HOPEFULLY) Monica: Rachel?! Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this
Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, Joey: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! (SHE IS PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. THEY CHEER) Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No,I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!
Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble. Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica. Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica... Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!! (CUT TO SAME SET. RACHEL IS BREATHING INTO A PAPER BAG) Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things... Phoebe: (SINGS) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (RACHEL AND MONICATURN TO LOOK AT HER)..bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la... Rachel: I'm all better now. Phoebe: (GRINS AND WALKS TO KITCHEN. TO CHANDLER AND JOEY) I helped! Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life. Joey: (SITTING BESIDE HER) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live acRoss the hall. And he's away a lot. Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day! Joey: What, like there's a rule or something? (THE DOOR BUZZER SOUNDS. CHANDLER GETS IT) Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound. Paul: (OVER INTERCOM) Uh, it's, uh, it's Paul. Monica: Buzz him in!
Joey: Who's Paul? Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul? Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy? Ross: He finally asked you out? Monica: Yes! Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment. Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel... Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine! Monica: (TO ROSS) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay? Ross: (CHOKED VOICE) That'd be good... Monica: (HORRIFIED) Really? Ross: (NORMAL VOICE) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy! (A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. Monica gets it; IT'S PAUL) Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is (THEY ARE ALL LINED UP NEXT TO THE DOOR)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul. All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! He! Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it? Monica: (SHOWS PAUL IN) Two seconds. Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good. Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight? Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing! Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (THINKS) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel likebeing alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.
Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she startedgoing to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?
Monica: My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it? Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her- Monica: -leg? Paul: (LAUGHING) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch. Monica: You actually broke her watch? (CUT TO RACHEL IN MONICA'S APARTMENT, TALKING ON THE PHONE ANDPACING)
Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (STOPS TALKING; DIALS A NUMBER ON THE PHONE) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway... (CUT TO ROSS' APARTMENT) Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody,y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her... Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavour of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavours out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em withJimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon! Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny. Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! (CUT TO THE RESTAURANT) Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, IÖ Monica: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with noodles? Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation.
Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date? Paul: Isn't there? Monica: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were you gonna say? Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (MONICA TAKES A SIP OF HER DRINK) ...Sexually. Monica: (SPITS OUT HER DRINK IN SHOCK) Oh God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry... Paul: It's okay... Monica: Being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Um... how long? Paul: Two years. Monica: Wow! I'm glad you smashed her watch! Paul: So you still think you, um... might want that fifth date? Monica: (PAUSE)...Yeah. Yeah, I do. (CUT TO RACHEL WATCHING 'JOANIE LOVES CHACHI') TV: 'I, Joanie, take you, Charles, to be my lawful husband.' 'Do you take...' Rachel: Oh...see... but Joanie loved Chachi! That's the difference! (CUT TO ROSS') Ross: (SCORNFUL) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you? Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (GAZES OUT OF THE WINDOW) (CUT TO RACHEL STARING OUT OF HER WINDOW) (SCENE 4: Monica + Rachel's apartment. RACHEL IS MAKING COFFEE FOR JOEY AND CHANDLER) Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life. Chandler: That is amazing. Joey: Congratulations. And while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a
Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work. Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio. Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.' Joey: I will not take this abuse. (WALKS TO DOOR AND OPENS IT TO LEAVE) Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (BURSTS INTO SONG AND DANCES OUT OF THE DOOR) 'Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy.,.' (EXIT JOEY AND CHANDLER) Monica: So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling. Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth. Monica: I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco? Rachel: Oh, yeah. Monica: Well, it's like that. With feelings. Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble. Monica: Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day.Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.
Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck! Monica: What for? Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those job things. (EXIT MONICA) (SCENE 5: IRIDIUM (JUST MONICA, WORKING) (ENTER FRANNIE) Frannie: Hey, Monica! Monica: Hey, welcome back! How was Florida? Frannie: You had sex, didn't you? Monica: How do you do that?
Frannie: So? Who? Monica: You know Paul? Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul. Monica: You mean you know Paul like I know Paul? Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years. (CUT TO THE GANG MINUS RACHEL AT CENTRAL PERK) Joey: (PERCHED ON THE SIDE OF THE SOFA) Of course it was a line! Monica: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that? Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'. Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear? Phoebe: all right, c'mere, gimme your feet. (SHE MASSAGES THEM) Monica: I just thought he was nice, y'know? Joey: (BURSTS OUT LAUGHING AGAIN) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line! (Monica pushes him off the sofa. ENTER RACHEL WITH SHOPPING) Rachel: Guess what? Ross: You got a job? Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviewstoday.
Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat. Rachel: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off! Chandler: Oh, how well you know me... Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots'boots!
Monica: You be okay? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. (MON SMILES) What? Monica: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody. (STOMPS ON PAUL'S WATCH AND GOES TO HER ROOM) Ross: Mmm. (THEY BOTH REACH FOR THE LAST COOKIE) Oh, no- Rachel: Sorry- Ross: No no no, go- Rachel: No, you have it, really, I don't want it- Ross: Split it? Rachel: Okay. Ross: Okay. (THEY SPLIT IT) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you. Rachel: I knew. Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother. Rachel: I did. Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kindof a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?
Rachel: Yeah, maybe... Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will... Rachel: Goodnight. Ross: Goodnight. (EXIT RACHEL TO HER BEDROOM. ENTER MONICA IN DRESSING GOWN, AS ROSS IS LEAVING) Monica: See ya.... Wait, wait, what's with you?
Ross: I just grabbed a spoon. (EXIT ROSS) (CLOSING CREDITS) (CREDITS SCENE: CENTRAL PERK) Joey: I can't believe what I'm hearing here. Phoebe: (SINGS) I can't believe what I'm hearing here... Monica: What? I-I said you had a- Phoebe: (SINGS) What I said... Monica: (TO PHOEBE) Would you stop? Phoebe: Oh, was I doing it again? Rachel: (WALKS UP WITH A POT OF COFFEE) Would anybody like more coffee? Chandler: Did you make it, or are you just serving it? Rachel: I'm just serving it. All: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee. Chandler: Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. I'm Liza Minelli- END Episode 2 ñ season 1 THE ONE WITH THE SONOGRAM AT THE END
(PRE-INTRO SCENE: CENTRAL PERK) (ALL PRESENT) Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it. Joey: Yeah, right!.......Y'serious? Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Carol: So. Ross: You look great. I, uh... I hate that. Carol: Sorry. You look good too. Ross: Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands erect... So what's new? Still, uh... Carol: A lesbian? Ross: Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's the family? Carol: Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh- Ross: Why- why are you here, Carol? Carol: I'm pregnant. Ross: Pregnant?! (CUT TO MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT, WHERE CHANDLER, JOEY,PHOEBE AND MONICA ARE WATCHING 'THREE'S COMPANY')
Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding. Phoebe:...Then I've already seen this one! (TURNS OFF TV) Monica: (TAKING DRINK FROM JOEY) Are you through with that? Joey: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down. Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?! Chandler: Oh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn'tneed it, so I balled it up and... (OFF MONICA'S LOOK) ...now I wish I was dead.
(MONICA STARTS TO FLUFF A PILLOW) Phoebe: She's already fluffed that pillow... Monica, you know, you've already fluffed that- (MON GIVES HER A LOOK) -but, it's fine! Monica: Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna give them any more ammunition than they already have. Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's
pillow. Phoebe: Monica- Hi! Um, Monica, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and twirly. And not-not in a good way. Joey: Yeah, calm down. You don't see Ross getting all chaotic and twirly every time theycome.
Monica: That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong. Y'see, he's the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born. Chandler: (AT WINDOW) Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew! Monica: What? Chandler: Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster! All: Eeaagh! (ENTER RACHEL FROM HER BEDROOM) Rachel: Has anybody seen my engagement ring? Phoebe: Yeah, it's beautiful. Rachel: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh God.... (LOOKING UNDERCUSHIONS)
Phoebe: No, look, don't touch that! Rachel: Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to him... 'Hi Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front of yourentire family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it so much harder... Monica: Easy Rach, we'll find it. (TO ALL) Won't we! Chandler, Joey: Oh! Yeah! Joey: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last? Phoebe: Doy! Probably right before she lost it! Chandler: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days... Rachel: I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with...
Chandler: I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done. Ross: Anyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogram thing with them tomorrow. Rachel: So what are you gonna do? Ross: I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father. (AT THE SOUND OF JOEY EATING THE LASAGNE, THE GANG TURN ROUND TO STARE AT HIM ACCUSINGLY) Joey: .....Well, this is still ruined, right? (SCENE 2: MONICA AND RACHEL'S. (MONICA AND ROSS ARE POURING WINE FOR MR. AND MRS. GELLER) Mrs. Geller: Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is gonna call you. (TASTING A SNACK) Mmm! What's that curry taste? Monica: Curry. Mrs. Geller: Mmmm! Ross: I- I think they're great! I, I really do. Mr. Geller: (TO ROSS) Do you remember the Ludwins? The big one had a thing for you,didn't she?
Mrs. Geller: They all had a thing for him. Ross: Aw, Mom... Monica: I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call me? Mrs. Geller: Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking, or food, or.... I don't know. Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant- Monica: No Mom, I don't have a restaurant, I work in a restaurant. Mrs. Geller: Well, they don't have to know that... (SHE STARTS TO FLUFF THE PILLOWS) Monica: Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please? Ross: Yeah. (THEY GO TO THE KITCHEN) Mrs. Geller: Oh, we're having spaghetti! That's.... easy.
Monica: I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, but, were you planning onbringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some of the heat off me. (CUT TO THE FAMILY EATING) Mrs. Geller: What that Rachel did to her life.... We ran into her parents at the club, they were not playing very well. Mr. Geller: I'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding... but forty thousand dollars is a lot of money! Mrs. Geller: Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar... Monica: What's that supposed to mean? Mrs. Geller: Nothing! It's an expression. Monica: No it's not. Mr. Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're independent, and you always have been!Even when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were just fine! And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles... (CUT TO SAME SCENE) Mr. Geller: Look, there are people like Ross who need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer. (AGAIN, CUT TO SAME SCENE) Mr. Geller: ...And I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank God 'Our Little HarMonica' doesn't seem to have that problem. Monica: (TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT) So, Ross, what's going on with you? Any stories? (DIGS HER ELBOW INTO HIS HAND) No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks? Ross: (PULLS HIS HAND AWAY) Okay! Okay. (to Mr.+Mrs. GELLER) Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and,so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby. (STUNNED SILENCE)
